Great Pretender
Mood:  blue
I'm a pretender.
I pretend that I'm one happy soul when deep inside there's this large hole, probably the size of that in our ozone layer.
I pretend I'm emotionally strong when one hurtful word could send me scampering to the nearest restroom so I could cry in private.
I pretend I'm happy when at night, long after the lights are turned out, I would soak my pillow with my tears.
I pretend I'm calm when whenever I'm boiling with anger deep inside.
I pretend it's okay whenever my family would un-intentionally joke about my dreams of being a musician (a reason why I did not pursue it) and a college drop-out.
I pretend I'm okay with how my life is going.
I pretend I'm okay with the fact that I find it hard to make friends. Work took me away from home two years ago & until now, I still don't have any close friends here where I re-located.
I pretend I'm okay with the fact that I'm painfully shy.
I pretend my self-confidence level is as high as mt. Everest.
I pretend I never ache.
I pretend I'm not interested in socializing when the fact is I stay away from family friends for fear that they'd ask me what my accomplishments are. I don't want to embarass my family by having to tell our so-called friends that I dropped out in college (my Mom almost cursed me to oblivion that I stopped going to school 4 years ago. She says it's very humiliating for her to have a child who was not able to get a college degree).
I pretend that I like my work. Somehow in my country, one should be happy and contented when he/she is earning. Reality, indeed bites.
I pretend I don't need a man's love. Too broken to love & trust another soul.
I pretend I'm okay being far from home.
I pretend it's okay that I'm everybody's shoulder-to-cry-on. Did they ever think that I need my own shoulder-to-cry-on also?
I pretend that I really know who the real me is.
Maybe I do.
I pretend. That's who I'am.

ALONE
Mood:  sad
i can't believe i'm spending Christmas alone - literally - in the place i wouldn't want to be in.
Almost 2 years ago, work brought me in this city which i'd rather not name (southern part of the Phils.). I stayed because, in my country, if you're employed you should be grateful to high heavens that you're earning. You shouldn't even think if you love your job or not. So here i'am without friends (i have acquaintances) and two days ago, my boss who resembles Mighty Joe Young, told me that I can't go board the plane that would take me home so i could sing Christmas carols with my family. Reason? The one who fills in for me is going away for her delayed honeymoon. Oh and did I mention that it's her 2nd honeymoon?
Seriously now, i feel so down. I've been crying my eyes out for 3 days now. For a sec I considered spilling about a 100mL of paint remover all over the precious Ford of my boss but again, I can't afford to lose my job. In my country, even with a college degree, finding a job is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I'm a college drop-out so I should cherish my job even if it's draining me physically, emotionally and all the "nally".
Im not going to celebrate Christmas. Maybe I'll just attend church service then I'll sleep (if ever I can). In my 25 years of existence, it has never crossed my mind that I will ever miss spending Christmas, New Year, and my Mom's birthday with my family.
My eyes are starting to water again. God help me.